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Babies and memories and life...

Cory and Hannah had the baby! A little boy, Brian Alexander Albright. With... my breakup and all that... they decided to name Brian and Emily as the godparents, which is fitting. Okay, so they're more like the ghostparents, but you know. Brian (the incorporeal, not the baby) was a bit ticked off at me for being out of town with his necklace while the baby was being born. Hey, if you 'live' in a necklace, that's just one of the things you're going to have to put up with, y'know?

Yeah, prophet and I were in California -visiting his ex, after she tried to off herself thanks in part to something stupid that Andrew sent to her. Andrew's really great at doing exactly the wrong thing at the worse possible moment sometimes. She's doing a lot better now, he had a long talk with her and after that we all spent some time hanging out. Also managed to sneak in a trip to the beach before coming home to the chilly fall we're having here in Kansas City. Halloween's almost upon us, and with that comes our show at Worlds of Fun. I'm hoping it'll be... worlds of fun. Okay, that's cheesy. But yeah, I really want it to go well for Never Cry Wolf. It'll be our first big gig since Kevin leaving and the change in management, and since we've been getting some airplay lately with a few of our songs.. should be well attended. We're going to do it in costume and all that jazz. Part of the payment agreement is that the park is going to give us (and our invited guests: i.e., the rest of the Last) a private day on the amusements. They close down for the season soon so I guess they're not really losing money on the deal (maybe it's better than paying us more, hehe) so it's all good.

I've been trying to figure out what to do with my ex-bedroom. For the most part, I've been kind of avoiding the room we used to share together. It's got a lot of memories in it. It's also got almost all of Spike's belongings in it... and I can't help but think that wherever he is now, he might need his blue sweater or his spare pair of boots, or his gloves, or me. But he got by without all these things before we met, and he's probably doing just fine without them now. So I don't know what to do with all these things, all these trappings of our together-life that isn't anymore. You know what's really weird though? I'm okay with not knowing what to do. I know that I don't always have to have the right answer, or an answer at all.. I understand that now. It's okay for me to feel confused, or uncertain, or even lost.

I've also discovered something amazing... sometimes, if I'm really concentrating on doing something with my love, I'm able to tune out other background elements, to the point of actually forgetting details. Which doesn't sound like much for most people, granted... but to me it's simply incredible. You don't know how amazing it is to finally understand that cloudy fog of not-quite-memory that most people experience. To be uncertain of details, or have certain elements just missing.. .it's wonderful. I never thought I'd be able to do it. I'm not entirely sure how it works, or why... or if I can control it. But it's absolutely wonderful. Just one of many wonderful things that my life contains.

Nothing lasts forever.

Spike and I, we used to sing this song, 'Forever Might Not Be Long Enough". We called it our song. But it was wrong. We were wrong. There is no forever, there is only the time you have until that time is over and then there's no time anymore. Not even time to say goodbye, not properly. I didn't even get to touch his hand, to hold him one last time. He was above me, looking down.. in a parking garage. Not even a very romantic place, you can't even write that into a novel or paint it into a picture - that's the kind of place that ordinary everyday takes place, not a place for your last goodbye.

Forever wasn't even all that long... we had just about a year. It was a beautiful year in places, a year that I thought would last a lifetime. But it didn't. Nothing does. Even the place we met, all the places we meant things to each other... they're all gone. Don't even exist anymore. Just like we don't exist anymore, not together. I still loved him as he said goodbye.. I'll always love him, and I think he'll always love me. But I wondered when exactly I'd stopped being in love with him. When the magic went out of our hands touching, when our lips meeting became just an everyday occurrence instead of something that completed us both.

Everything is faster for Slayers- because our lives are often so short, we try to cram as much into that little space as possible. So maybe in a way, our love did last a lifetime- a lifetime that was measured in the space of a single year. The person I was doesn't exist anymore, any more than the places we once lived exist anymore. I'm done with that life. I'm done with all the guilt, all the pain, all the fear... I buried that in the ashes of Sunnydale. And Spike ... he stopped holding on to my ashes, let me go rise up and be reborn. I won't waste his gift, this freedom to be who I have become... to love the man who delivered me from the death that was my world, who breathed in me and brought me to life.

So I took off my wedding ring, and placed it on the chain around my neck beside the infinity pendant that holds the record of Brian and Emily's love. It's fitting, I think... the ghosts of the past reside together. And Spike, well... he has my sword. My Slayer sword, the capturer of souls - the ancient blade that we struggled so hard to gain. I find that fitting. We changed each other's lives, he and I... and like it or not, we'll always have some connection to each other. Maybe there will come a day when we can meet again - maybe soon, maybe years from now- in friendship and gratitude.

So the prophet and I.. yeah, now we're together in every sense of the word. He's even gotten over that whole asexual thing. What's nearly sickeningly addictive is how warm he feels, his skin against my skin, when he holds me at night. How comforting it is, just to hear the rhythms of his heart beating and his breathing. When we had the radio interview for Never Cry Wolf, we held hands. I think we were both a little nervous. And DJ Frank asked us if we were an official item now... we said yes. So there we have it, complete with on the air publicity. The beginning of my brave new world.

Circles and Lines

Things between me and the prophet are a bittersweet kind of beautiful. He's very affectionate, snuggly.. and occasionally even delves into being kissy. He says that kisses are special, and that's why he saves them for our special moments. Of course, I personally think he's a bit of a tease and enjoying the power he has over me. Yeah, that's right.. the power he has over me. Which is weird to admit... me, that's been on top of everything -- the one who's strong, brave, ready-- the leader. He's shorter and more slender than I am, for crying out loud. I could break him like a twig, he's so fragile. But he's got a power over me that I've never given anyone before, even my husband.

And I think that he hasn't had power over much in his life, not even since being a prophet - he's been the bitch of the Powers that Be. So maybe he needs this, to pace things how he wants them paced -- to know that it's okay for him to want, to need, to demand, even. I'm good with that, really.

No matter how maddening the desire to just take him into my arms and be done with this eternal dance of foreplay, advance and withdraw is. I still want what's best for him, and what's best for him is my patience while he tests the boundaries of his life and our love.

Spike and I are drifting further apart. I don't know how to stop the tide... it upsets him more than he can deal with that I want to spend time in the company of the prophet. I can't seem to balance out the time I spend with each of them to something that's satisfactory to us all. Sometimes we can all be together peacefully and play a game, or watch a show.. but those times aren't all as frequent as I'd like them to be. I feel like something is brewing just under the surface with Spike, and I'm not sure what it is... thought it's likely not good.

And J. sent me a letter -a long rambling email, full of all her sadness. She said she's happy the prophet has found love with me, happy that he laughs now and smiles and enjoys his life. But it hurts her so much that it couldn't ever be with her- that he never smiled for her, that when he became a prophet he became a person she no longer knew. And how I took what was left of him away from her life, but how he'd really left years ago. I didn't know what to reply, so I only told her that he was happy and I hoped she found that kind of happiness someday. What else could I do? I couldn't tell her what I really wanted to say, which was that she drowns her happiness in bottles, and that she can't love anyone else until she starts to love herself.

When did the hardest thing about my life become living it?

Putting it back together again...

I had a long talk with the Prophet's ex last night...about you know.. back before he had the revelation. I depressed her a lot, though I didn't mean to. I just wanted to see if I could gain some insight. I want to fix his broken places like he's fixed mine. I already see so much progress in him- he laughs a lot now, and smiles frequently- and runs about being playful. It's wonderful to see, really.

Progress is good.

Bliss...

So we're at home now in Kansas City, and settled down into the new Last Resort. It's like a fortress here- everything we need is in these walls, and everything is pretty secure. So my last fear was vanquished... that crossbow bolt intended for Spike.. just like in the vision. Only this time the Prophet was there.. and he caught the bolt, and threw it.. with holy power... through Juliet's black heart. I didn't know what to do... we had a big long talk about things after, and I wound up telling Spike about my feelings for the prophet and... yeah, that wasn't all that pleasant. But we worked things out. So now I have a husband and a boyfriend of sorts, though it's not a sexual thing... it's hard to get over being holy. It's okay though.. .we've got time. We'll work things out.

I feel at peace with everything. Hannah's getting more huge by the day- her and Cory have named Spike and me the godparents. I'm excited!

So yeah... after his sabbatical at the end of the summer, the prophet came home for his birthday. And he's staying.. staying here with us. With me. His band isn't all that thrilled... but I couldn't be happier. Life is good. Life is better than good- life is nearly perfect.

Goodbye (again) Sunnydale.

So we went back to Sunnydale today. Or well, what was left of it. They were paving it over, working on clearing the rubble, crews and everything- government blockade. Yeah. Adam's clearance got us through, and we walked about checking things out.

There was nothing left. Gloria (who we brought with us for psychic detection) felt nothing. Everything's gone, at rest, the end of the era. I think I can let it all go now. Finally, just let it all go. It's like a big weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

Now if I could just get get everything else together. Ah, well- it's still summer. There's still time.

Nine Times Blue

Summer's been going alright... traveled back to Kansas City to visit our new home in progress. I had to get away for a while to see if the feelings would get any better... they didn't. I find myself more and more drawn to the prophet. I'm married, he's asexual.. so there's no future in it, is there? But yet.. there's an overwhelming feeling of future. Of deja vous for something that hasn't happened yet, which is just its own kind of fucked up. There've been nights where it's all been so close to the edge. One night where we were on this balcony, flying paper airplanes down and I leapt off to the ground and told him to jump down, and not be afraid, because I'd catch him. And he did, and I captured that moment in a drawing because the faith and trust and love of that moment was so beautiful. And we spent this whole day together on a riverboat in New Orleans, fishing, dreaming, talking about things. So yeah, there's good times. And it's so comforting to lay next to him, to have his arms around me, to listen to his heart beating to feel how warm and connected and alive he is.. .to know the same power that moves in him moves in me. He's so warm, so alive, so beautiful....

Don't get me wrong, I still love William and our marriage is still strong... but this... I don't know what will come of this. Prophet's writing songs for me, and I'm writing songs for him, and we've still miles to go before the tour is over. He says that something is coming in September, and we'll just have to wait and see what it is. Something big for me, that will affect the rest of the group. Prophecy can be a vague business, though.. he's not exactly sure what. I guess we'll just have to see, and hope that it's something good. Powers that Be, do I need for it to be something good. He's going away after summer... who knows if I'll ever see him again? So maybe, yeah... maybe September 7th holds something good.

Met this vampire while in New Orleans- name of Richard Knight. The said same Richard Knight that Wu had known back in the 1930's, the Richard Knight who had loved the Slayer, Sally Newman... who was one of the only two survivors of what went down in Chigago with the Sanguinia. He came up to me after the show and we had a long talk at a coffee shop. Wu flew down imediately when hearing Richard was in town, along with Xav and Sian (who are very much enjoying married life, glad to say). Ming, Julius, Bambi and Margaret are staying with Wu, Sian and Xavier in New Orleans to help Richard. So our group gets even further apart. And so it goes.

Non-Avoidance

I've been avoiding my journal for a while.

There's no other way to put it.

I haven't wanted to face my feelings about what was going down in Sunnydale, and how it all ended. But I think I really need to start writing in this again, to let some of it out, because I can't just keep it all inside. Holy shit, things were bad. They were beyond bad. They were at the point where I wasn't sure we were going to make it at all. Some of us didn't quite make it... some of us made it out, but we were all changed. Everything changed. Every single goddamn thing changed, and we'll never get it all together again the way it used to be so we can only go forward from here and try to make something better out of what we've got now. Sunnydale is a crater. I killed a lot of people... human people. I gave the order that destroyed an entire room of people, who might have otherwise been saved, had there been time. Had I seen some earlier signs, had it not come down to this. And what didn't die in the meteor shower, and what didn't die in that room, died in the air strike after.

So yeah... I'm feeling it. The weight of all those souls, the guilt. I promised Blake I'd try and get beyond that, and I have been trying, but it's hard. Every day it's hard, harder and harder to let it go. But I'm trying, so that's got to count for something. Been working through a lot of issues.. really. Went to New York, back to New York, with dad and Adam and Spike and Hannah and Elsa. They needed to know, needed to understand where Adam and I came from... we needed to get a better grasp on what happened to us in childhood. Though we have no definite answers still, which is kind of frustrating. Cory's back in Kansas City now.. a lot of the group are. That's where the new Last Resort is going to be, right in the middle of the country. Central dispatch, so to speak. With government backing no less, thanks to Adam. Kit's keeping the Watcher's Council mollified, so they don't think we're having some sort of power-struggle going on here, or trying to make our own organization. Which, in a way.. .we are. But not in a bad way. It's really what needs to be done, an organized effort. That's one thing Sunnydale taught me. We can't just be waiting for trouble to strike, and then be ill equipped to deal with it.

Right now we're out on tour with Never Cry Wolf opening for our dear prophet's band, and it's definitely a trip. We've got a tour bus.. the tour bus that saved our lives in the final showdown. Yeah. It's something. And we're making our way across the country. Considering that prophet boy's booked the tour, it's definitely bound to be interesting. We've already managed to stop a cult of heart sacrificing pheromones making frat boys on our first stop. Should be an interesting summer.

Spike and I have been getting on well.. though I think it disturbs him, not knowing what to do to help me. He can tell that something is wrong, but I don't think he quite understands that it's just something that isn't going to get better with anything but time. And yeah.. I miss my Daddy. That's not helping any, either. I know, I feel like such a big baby- but this is the longest Cory and I have been separated since meeting. And we've been through a lot together.

So yeah.. good things, bad things.. but I'm doing alright for the most part, really. And I'm getting more and more comfortable with performing. Finding that I seem to move people with my voice is definitely an interesting revelation. Maybe that's yet another way to help people, you know? Giving them something they can identify with in music, some sense of hope, some little taste of beauty. Will it save my soul? Probably not. But it does ease the pain.

Waiting game...

Been a while since I felt like writing. Somehow, when things go from bad to worse, it doesn't exactly inspire you to talk about it. So let's see... what positive things have happened....

Well, Never Cry Wolf had that LA gig... that was nice. Opened for a great band, made a new friend.. he's a prophet. Get to more about that in a bit. Saw You Never Die Twice - been watching the series weekly. It's not bad, really... a bit eerily similar to life, but it's okay. Had my birthday party... got lots of presents, including some very thoughtful ones from the Djinn. Yeah.. it's somehow apparently considered polite to send birthday gifts to your enemies these days. Go figure. Cory's written his second book- just needs editing and publication. Corry and Hannah are expecting a baby. That's really sweet, you know? I'm happy for them. I hope that their child has a long and happy life....

So yeah... then there's all the rest of the stuff. Zombies and 'Elder gods' and being in a B-movie. Our new friend, Blake- almost dying because the Djinn thought it would be great to fry him before he could give us any information. The fact that the three slayers are probably going to have to die to close the Hellmouth on the Djinn and re-seal him. Yeah... that's a big one. Me and Bambi and Margaret are probably going to have to die in order to save the world. Fun, that. Spike's gone and gotten some amulets that he thinks might help protect us... but chances are real slim right now. And worse, we have to wait for the Djinn to make his move to open things up before we try it. So it's all a big waiting game right now. Blake's at the house and we're protecting him, and he's going to do the whole prophecy thing (hopefully) and let us know when it's time...

But for now, we wait. And in waiting, we grow more tense and apprehensive by the day. We try to relax, and forget, and do ordinary things.. but it's hard with disaster looming just around the corner. I worry about what will happen if I die... not so much for myself, but for those I leave behind. I worry if Spike will be able to maintain his hold on humanity, or if the best part of him will die along with me. I don't want that... not at all. I'm not afraid to die... but I'm afraid of what will happen to those I love.

Dhamp

So it's almost my birthday, and I think that all I want this year is a little bit of peace. Maggie and Michael are staying at the house, as is Maggie's little brother Joey at the moment - following an attack by Drucilla. Apparently she's left town now, though- so I'm guessing Mike will be heading back for his dance studio eventually.

I don't even want to get into how fucked up it all is right now, because if I start thinking about it, I'll start crying. Suffice it to say that several of Kayla and Maggie's family members were nearly eaten. I can't protect everyone all the time, I know. I made sure Maggie and Michael were safe, because I thought that was the most immediate threat, and that Kayla was safe over at Warren's, after all.. but I didn't even think about the extended family. I hate that I can't always think of everything I should have. Next time though.. next time I know to cover all bases in a case like this. Not very encouraging to know that there will be a next time, but what can you do? Prepare. That's all you can do, really.

Been raining, since that night Kit brought India back. I'm kind of worried about that.. that maybe it's some sort of cosmic indicator that we've messed with something that we shouldn't have. Spike and I enjoyed it the first night- playing in it, and all that... but now it's a bit of a nuisance, getting us all quite soaked on patrols and flooding streets and all. Nasty, and I'm not entirely sure if we can do anything about it other than wait out the rain.

I'm working on a song for Never Cry Wolf. I'm not much of a writer- Adam got all the writer genes in the family. I'm the artist. But I'm trying. I want a signature song, one that's about me and how I feel, so I can sing it and feel good about getting it out, you know? Something that doesn't directly say "I slay vampires for a living and I might die young, and I feel bad for everyone that I can't save, but somedays it's alright because I've got the man who eases my soul married to me." Yeah. Not those words exactly. I've been talking to Adam some about how to write. He says it's the feeling behind the words that counts- that you can use metaphors for life and death without actually spelling it out, that the feelings are going to be what makes the song. I hope I can figure it out.

Michael is apparently a Dhampir. Imagine my shock there. I mean, he looks so... okay, I can't say normal here.. but like a little harmless Goth dancer boy. Still.. I have to admit I'm curious. Seems to have worked out well enough- Michael's sweet, really, in an odd kind of way. I wonder if William and I could try that someday? Have a baby, of our own... someone who'll live on when I'm gone, and hopefully give him a reason to keep living and keep on the straight and narrow (okay, the curvy and not-so-evil) if anything should happen to me. If we ever have research time that isn't devoted to a current crisis or how to recage the Djinn (an ongoing study), I'll have to ask them to look up how it's done for me. Why shouldn't we be able to have a child? We managed to get married, after all. We're already beating quite a few of the odds in the face with the 'so there' stick. What's a few more?